It might seem a little excessive to call him “the love of my life,” but Matthew was my first boyfriend and he was the first guy who really loved me the same way I loved him.
I met Matthew in the spring of 1993. Back then, our company used to hang out in an abandoned old school building, which we had previously cleaned up and turned into a small club. We had the audio sound system, disco lights, musical instruments (keyboards, drums), the bar and other things that were required for parties, (most of these things we had made ourselves because we had no money). Everything else I had borrowed from friends. Basically, it was a great place for parties.
At that time, Matthew was 16 or 17 years old. (I don’t remember exactly). He was a shy, but very handsome boy who looked like Tom Cruise with a bit bigger nose. He was very interested in music. He attended the accordion lessons. Over the week, he went to school, so he didn’t have time to come to the club, but he was there every weekend and during the school vacations. You could see he was attracted to me. He was always asking questions about music, more precisely, about playing keyboard and accordion. He was always smiling, but at the same time, he acted quite seriously in comparison to his peers. I must admit that I was very attracted to him, too, although he was four or five years younger than me.
During the summer of 1993 I had been working in the auto electrical repair shop. Every day after work, I would go to the club. Matthew was there very often, too. I was teaching him how to play keyboard and so we started getting closer. We became friends. From summer until winter, we had a lot of fun at the club. Matthew had even decided to celebrate his 18th birthday with us. A lot of people used to come to our parties. There were a lot of boys and girls.
As I have already mentioned before, Matthew was a very handsome boy, and it seemed strange why he didn’t have a girlfriend. It appeared to me he didn’t like girls. That made me even happier. I could still hope that something may happen between us.
On January 11th 1994 Matthew and I were alone at the club. It was a cold winter Tuesday. It was snowing. We lit a fire in the old consumed oven. We were sitting next to each other and listening to the music tape that he had brought with him. We were so close next to each other that I could feel he was shaking. I took a blanket and covered us both. For fun, I hugged him and told him that I could warm him up if he felt cold. He accepted my proposition. I was a little uncomfortable. I couldn’t tell whether he was joking. Then I started to shake, but I wasn’t cold. I moved my hand from his shoulder. I didn’t know what to do next. I suddenly started to talk straight from my heart. I told him: “I have to tell you something – I’m not into girls.” He said: “Neither am I,” and hugged me. We remained embraced for some time. I don’t remember exactly for how long. I felt the fire burning in me. It was getting late, and Matthew had to go home. Before he left, Matthew had turned to me and even gave me a hug. I asked him if I could kiss him. He said nothing. Instead he kissed me! That was our first kiss. An incredible feeling. I could feel my blood running through my veins. I wanted that moment to last forever. He went home, and I stayed at the club. I was happy and confused at the same time. I was in love before that moment, but it was never a mutual feeling.
As the winter vacations ended, Matthew and I had been meeting over the weekends and two days a week when he had his accordion lessons. In these two days we had time only for ourselves.
Matthew gave me a gold chain that had a plaque with our initials for my birthday. I was so happy! We were so in love with each other, that I thought it would never end. I was so happy that I wanted to share my happiness with everyone but I knew this wasn’t possible. Our society was conservative, closed and limited at the time. His parents were proud Catholics, mine weren’t very far away. I was willing to do anything, in order to stay with him forever, but Matthew didn’t even want to think about it.
I had to invent a way to tell my friends that I was in love, but I couldn’t say I was in a relationship with a boy. Instead, I said I had a girl. and kept almost everything else the same. Her parents shouldn’t had found out she was in a relationship, etc. When I used to talk about him to my friends, I called him “my dark lady.”
I bought him a gold necklace with a Christian cross for his birthday. I knew he was religious. Although I thought that he would wear it imperceptibly, he didn’t want to accept my gift. He said he was already “carrying his cross.” To this day, I still don’t understand what he meant to say. However, he didn’t want to explain anything. Instead, he ran away home. I was so upset, I didn’t know where I went wrong. The next day, he acted as if nothing had happened. I asked him why he ran away the day before, and he said that he didn’t want to talk about that at the moment. I felt something strange was going on, but I nevertheless tried to get that thought out of my head.
Nothing much has changed in our relationship since. We organized a Christmas party and a New Year’s eve party at the club. At the New year’s eve party, Matthew was a bit drunk and he kissed me in public, but I think no one had seen it (at least I hope so).
I was afraid for him, but everything ended up fine. I had noticed that he began to come far more rarely to the club. I had a feeling he was avoiding me.
On January 11th, 1995 we were alone, so I took the chance to ask him what was bothering him. I told him I was willing to help him in any way.
Matthew said: “I’m no longer interested in men” and kissed me for the last time. It was the first and the last anniversary of our love.